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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Hell, or something like it

I regret telling people we were doing ivf. I thought it would be nice to have support leading up to it and then if things didn't work out, like they didn't. But "support" as we know can come in many forms, most of which aren't helpful. Then all that support you thought you'd want becomes a burden.

My mom has taken to sending me things she's googled everyday. "I read the key is the vitamins, herbs, AND acupuncture." Because I'd already told her all the fancy supplements people swear work in a mere 3 months did not work, not even over the YEARS I bought them. Now she's telling me attitude is half the battle and that I need to "unblock my energy channels" and do more yoga (which I do every day, and have for 3 years). While I love yoga and have considered acupuncture for my overall wellbeing (ya know, since I'm crying multiple times a day and barely getting out of bed), these things are not a cure all. It's not like I'm not pregnant because my energy channels are blocked. It's almost as bad as "just relax". I want to scream, "Let me assure you, if I could just relax and get pregnant, I would do it. I would do it a thousand times before spending all this gd money and going through medical hell. I promise." It's not like someone gets cancer and you tell them to just relax and take some vitamins and unblock their fucking energy channels. I've just stopped responding. I know, truly I know, that my mom is trying to help. And this is the only way she knows how to try to help. But I am about this ( ) close to sending her, "Ya know, maybe I should just quit my job and live on govt assistance and eat McDonalds three times a day so I can have not one but TWO kids just like (insert name of one of my brother's crap baby mommas)." My friend told me that I shouldn't send it, that it would come across wrong. But really, truly, WHY am I always accomodating people?! I'm the one sitting over here on the wrong side of this fucked up parallel universe. I am TIRED of giving a fuck. I am close to discontinuing communication with literally everyone. No texts. No snaps. No carrier pigeons. I hate feeling alone but all this misguided "support" makes me feel way more alone, so at this point isn't it better to just tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone? I'm not pregnant. I don't want to talk about it like it's some super easy fixable thing. I HATE IT. I hate that apparently for everyone this is the easiest thing in the world and I HATE that everyone just acts like "oh something must be wrong with you" and I HATE that all these stupid idiot people are running around with kids they don't take care of and I HATE that nobody understands that I hate it. All of it.

We're trying to regroup and in a few weeks we're going to try to figure out the money thing and schedule our final FET. But then what? It won't work and people will sit around telling us if only we had done acupuncture and taken some vitamins? I am really beginning to question my ability to deal with this shit anymore. Yesterday I sat at work and contemplated how much leave I would get if I just decided to have a complete nervous breakdown. I know people care about us and I don't mean to sound ungrateful but FUCK. I need the universe to cut me a tiny bit of slack. Just a sliver. Because I am breaking into pieces and I surprise surprise I'm crying in public. Again. 

(Dh and I do have some plans to do stuff for us and not feel like such shit. I don't mean this whole thing to sound like we aren't trying to get though it. I'm just very frustrated with pretty much everyone and everything else. The only people who might understand that part of it are here, so that's why I'm putting it here.)

Anyway. Yeah.


No one understands unless they've been through this, they mean well and no matter how much you try to explain....THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. Period. Even those that went through IVF and it worked the first time still don't completely know that feeling of anger, failure, etc when the final rodeo of IVF is supposed to be the saving grace and even that fails you. I'm sorry but they don't. My advice to you when you decide to do the next FET ....tell no one. You and dh plan it and go through it, then you can either surprise everyone or you and dh can mourn without having to involve the whole freakin universe. Believe me, the latter is easier on the soul. And you'll find that not telling puts a lot less pressure and stress on it. And weirdly enough, since this whole IVF process takes any ounce of romance out of making a baby, not telling anyone this last round made us feel like it was just the 2 of us making this happen, instead of having a crowd of people watching us reproduce and cheering us on...if that makes any sense. (hugs) <3

Also, when you meet with your RE about the FET, you may want to discuss the possibility of doing a natural cycle FET. I can't say that was the one thing that made our last round successful, but I think it helped tremendously that it was timed with my body's natural cycle instead of forcing it with meds. I was nervous about doing it, I was worried my body wouldn't cooperate, but the RE said to trust him and have faith in my body and everything just fell into place. Something to think about.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just prayed for you and DH! May God give you peace, comfort and strength that only He can provide in these dark times.

I would say, "I appreciate you trying to help, but I really just need to be sad and pissed off right now." Or whatever emotions better describe how you're feeling. People try to make you feel better, not realizing you need time to grieve. I don't think you should regret telling people. You have probably opened their eyes and shown them that there is a whole group of people that have to work really hard at something that most people take for granted. It will hopefully make them more appreciative of their fortune and perhaps more sympathetic to your struggle. My fresh failed cycle, I did acupuncture and pineapple core. My successful FET, I did nothing. I was outta money and outta energy. We went to dinner at friends, and I had a couple of glasses of wine the night before the transfer. The moral of the story, it's a crapshoot. You have every right to be angry and devastated. It's a bunch of bullshit that so many of the best people have to struggle at this. But you'll make it through this one way or another. It may not be pretty or graceful. But you'll make it through. <3

So much this. You’re doing the right thing by coming here because at least some of us actually get it. The rawness of just how fed up you are with the world because time and time it has failed you, but works out just fine for people who could care less about themselves or others. The part about people who don’t deserve kids, and have one after another resonates with me so much. I struggled with it a lot. Even tho my twins are 2.5 I STILL have to look away when I see announcements from people that I personally don’t think should be having (more) children. My first thought is always “of course” because for some reason that’s how fertility works, right? Ugh. we ALL did what you did. We all wanted to shout it from the rooftops that the couple who’s been trying forever to get pregnant finally has a little hope. I swear I basically told everyone we would be pregnant around such and such time- then it didn’t work. Then I stupidly told people about our frozen cycle and that didn’t work. So for our second fresh and ultimately last (successful) cycle, we didn’t tell practically anyone in our network! It was nice to have this intimate secret between my husband and myself. It was amazing to take a break from explaining terms and odds and timelines to people. I had a close group of friends I had met on this forum, and we shared our scans/check ups/retrieval’s with one another and that was so helpful. I do think it’s important to have a channel to share- it’s therapeutic. But when it comes to friends, family... they mean well, and some are the exception but most just don’t get it. We get you spazzle. We are here for you.

Sorry you regret having told people. It seems it is making things so much harder now. Yeah, sure, people mean well, but boy... some of the "help" and support they give comes into somewhat naive comments which just make you even more upset and frustrated because you're hurting so much and you have tried all you could think of already ... Only if you have been in the same place can you understand the pain, frustration, anger, and desperation (at least for me). It is so painful to look around and see everybody else getting pregnant easily (or so it seems). It is so unfair and you have all the rights to be upset and frustrated with the world. I am happy to hear you guys will give your other frozen embryo a chance. It is terrifying to think that that might not work either. But you guys will find the strength. I wish you the very best. I almost lost it during my second IVF because we had said that was going to be it. Too much heartache and money. It is going to be hard but you will do it. We are here for you. <3

Because we can come in here and vent and everyone gets it and supports us, we support you and totally understand . Im sure everyone here is sending their love. Xxxxxxxx hugs♡♡♡♡☆☆☆☆♡♡♡♡ Love Alex