A Picasso Painted Heart
It's no secret that our failed ivf broke me into pieces. Big jagged pieces that don't fit together in any way that could be considered normal, but somehow I'm out walking around and passing for human. I can't believe it was only 3 weeks ago, since it feels more like this infinite black hole that stretches out into an eternity both behind and ahead of me. Do I remember what it was like not to feel this way?
My best friend is reluctantly pregnant. It's the only way I know to describe it. She told me she wakes up in the night, crying and asking God why he let this happen to her. Said she didn't think her life would turn out this way. I just told her, "You and me both."
For the most part, people have stopped talking to me about it or asking, which is a big relief. Right after it happened I guess it became the kind of "news" that "trusted friends" tell other people, to the point some girl I only sort of know brought it up like a casual topic of conversation: "Yeah so I heard you guys were doing ivf and it didn't work out. I'm sorry. So how's that going?" I looked her dead in the eye and said, "I don't want to talk about this." I had to say it two more times before she stfu and stopped apologizing or trying to say more about it. Needless to say I've got very few "friends" trying to talk to me anymore.
So it's just us, with our pets, sitting on our front porch in the evenings going through the motions of people who have moved on. We haven't yet dove deep into the finiancial plan for the next FET. I don't think either of us has had the heart. But at least we're not crying all the time anymore. Instead it's like we're side stepping. Side stepping this big hurt that we both know is there so we've stopped talking about it, because what's the point. But things are better. It makes me wonder if this is the kind of break that doesn't heal right, like we're always going to have this painful scar. It sucks to think about.
I think I ovulated a few days late, or not at all, who knows. I got O pains but barely a hint of what I would consider fertile cm. I'm sure my body is still trying to figure out wtf happened. It's not like I think I have a shot or anything, I just really want normalcy.
Anyway, that's me. I'm not praying much anymore. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I try to quietly "sit" with God. My prayers don't have words anymore. Hopefully it still counts for something.