Month three of trying for a baby
Who knew how trying for a baby would take over every inch of your existence? As soon as my new husband and I had ‘the conversation’ and decided yes, we would no longer take all those steps to prevent us getting pregnant, damn, it’s all I can think about. I’ve been reluctant to use the term ‘trying for a baby’ as there is so much pressure as soon as you say it out loud – instead, I’ve told myself we are ‘not trying not to’. But who am I kidding – in an instant we became triers. Now, every waking moment seems consumed with the subject. Every ache and pain could be a suggestion that I’m pregnant. Every decision I take refers back to the possibility. Are these early signs of pregnancy? I’ve got a headache – could I be pregnant? My back aches – could I be pregnant? That carrot tasted a bit weird, but my husband didn’t agree – I MUST be pregnant. Can I book a holiday for next year? No, as I might be pregnant then, so we’ll have to get a last-minute deal… My period was three days late this month – OH MY GOD I’M DEFINITELY PREGNANT. How many pregnancy tests should I buy? Should I buy a pregnancy test or will it jinx it? Except, I wasn’t, I’m not. Gosh, the feelings! So many feelings. Disappointment, guilt, fear, a bit of relief (are we really ready?), certain relief because I had a small glass of wine at the weekend (taking over from the guilt of having a small glass of wine), then fear that I prevented a pregnancy because of that small glass of wine. Then, the physical side of menstruating – I am certain that my body is mocking me, saying “HA! You want to get pregnant? Well, you’re not, and we’re going to show you how much you definitely aren’t pregnant by giving you the WORST PMT you’ve ever had! HA!” I had to take a day off work due to the intense migraine that accompanied my period, so bad that I almost fell down the stairs.